On July 31st my Mum lost her battle with cancer. It had been more than 9 years, but it doesn't make it any easier. Jason and I were away camping when it happened and we didn't find out until the Monday. This made me feel guilty, but I know that being there wouldn't have changed anything. My Dad had lots of help from our wonderful friends. The week went by in a flash. Tuesday was the visitation. A lot of people came, including some old friends from high school. It was lovely to see everyone...but naturally bittersweet. Wednesday was the funeral. There were 18 of us. It was probably the hardest day of the week. Was hard to say good-bye. That night, Fran arrived. It was lovely to see her. She reminds me a lot of Mum. Thursday was the memorial service. So many people showed up (hundreds!) and every single one had something amazing to say about Mum. She was the most amazing woman...and I hope I can be just a little bit like her in my life.
Now life has gone back to "normal"...back to work, back to my cakes, back to being a mum and wife. But will life really get back to "normal"? I'm guessing some day it will feel like that. It does a lot of the time now, but then something triggers a thought or emotion and I get overwhelmed with sadness. Watching a movie, smelling Mum's smell, seeing her jewelry... Sometimes there isn't a trigger at all and I just feel sad. I am not trying to get rid of those feelings though, just trying to ride them out and feel those feelings and emotions and enjoy the memories they bring.
I went to sort through her clothes, jewelry, etc. on Saturday. It was tough. Not while I was actually sorting, but it really built up through the day until I felt out of control emotionally. I am now happy to have Mum's charm bracelet. I will wear it at all times.
Two things I've become aware of since this has happened, and they are quite opposite in nature:
1) I feel the need to defeat this horrible disease in some way. For now, that seems to be helping prevent myself and my daughter from ever having to deal with it. So Jason and I have decided to change how we eat. We are cutting out the processed foods (hopefully completely within the next year), start eating organic produce and organic/hormone-free meats...perhaps even one day going vegetarian and then vegan. So far so good with that. I have lost 5.5lbs this week from doing that which is shocking to me! We have also started going for walks every night with the kids. It's important for them to understand how to look after their bodies also and starting them off young is the way to go.
2) So above I'm trying to be careful, but I also feel the need to be a little reckless and take some risks. I want to live life...I want to indulge in all this world has to offer. I want to uproot and travel, try new things, suck the marrow out of everything! Carpe diem, right?! To heck with "high-powered careers" and "luxury cars" and "Starbuck's coffee"...I want to take my kids up north and show them how to make an eco-friendly house, grow their own food, appreciate nature...I want to take them to impovrished parts of the world and let them see life there and teach them to help others and realize life isn't about "things" but about "people". I want to simplify life and get more out of it...which seems "risky" to me in todays society, but I feel it's the right thing to do. Will I end up doing all that? Hopefully. Realistically? Maybe not. But I'm going to do my best to try.
First "risky" move though...a tattoo. Plan to get a pink ribbon tattoo for my Mum :)
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